Some divorces run smoothly, with parties on each side swiftly coming to an agreement. Sometimes there is conflict, with arguments over the house, or the children, or the finances – these issues can be addressed and reconciled through mediation and when that fails, the courts.
Sometimes, however, there is just no reasoning and you end up in a protracted, high conflict divorce, where there can be no agreement. Knowing that this might be what you’re heading for from the outset can help you make different choices to save yourself a lot of stress and result in a batter outcome for both you and your children.
Some of the biggest issues in high conflict divorces are the personalities of the parties involved. Regardless of culture, gender, or economic status – there are no rules – some people simply are high conflict and belligerent – recognising these traits, and knowing how to handle them, is vital.
High conflict personalities:
- always blaming someone else, verging on obsession with blaming others.
- highly manipulative, coercive, and controlling – both consciously and unconsciously.
- unable to accept responsibility.
- little ability for self-examination and introspection.
- a “do-or-die” mentality; it’s all or nothing.
- emotional outbursts; destabilises the confrontation forcing the focus to shift from managing a sensible outcome to managing the explosion
- threatening, both to spouse and legal representative, to get what they want, e.g. “If you don’t do this, I’ll report you to the law society”.
These people can be obsessively single-minded and competitive, determined in their efforts to “win”. Their relentless challenges can be exhausting for all concerned. If you know you will be dealing with a personality like this, it may be worth looking into seeing a counsellor or therapist to help keep perspective and balance. They will be able to give you tips on how to manage the personality in question, allowing you to preserve your sanity for the rest of the process.
In looking at a high conflict personality there may well be behaviours that manifest during the procedures if they haven’t already done so during the relationship itself:
- constant, high-volume communication via text, message, or email
- the necessity of a restraining orders
- physical, financial, or emotional/psychological abuse
- a combative, similarly high conflict legal representative
Divorce is invariably hard, but dealing with high conflict personalities can make it so much worth as to beggar belief. Such characters lack the ability to see the results of their own behaviour and how it may be contributing to the problem at hand, so it can be hard to make progress. Some such cases, especially with young children, have been known to go on for more than a decade.
If you think you might be dealing with someone like this, knowledge is power, and getting up to speed on how to deal with them is crucial. It will give you great perspective and understanding of them, how they work, and how to bring the issue to a close more quickly. If you can, hire a legal representative with experience of dealing with such adversarial individuals.
Going through a mediator, however, is a great first step. Mediation is better for both emotional and financial reasons; it’s cheaper, less confrontational, and can be done wholly in private, keeping all your best interests at heart. In the UK mediation is actually a prerequisite before petitioning the family court. Even if you think your partner won’t be interested, the thought of everything being made public in the courts can be a great way to encourage them to be more receptive to private mediation and, even if the mediation should fail, they may at least attempt it, and that’s better for all concerned.
About The Family Mediation Practice
The Family Mediation Practice is a team of independent family mediators who help divorcing and separating couples to come to an agreement rather than fighting things out in the courts.
Depending on your circumstances, legal aid could be available to fund your family mediation.
Contact The Family Mediation Practice
You can contact any of our independent family mediators direct by calling 0333 567 0377. You can also send a confidential message by clicking here.
